By Carolyn Cowan
Being a parent is a rewarding yet challenging time and as we know too well, often comes with its fair share of stressful moments. From the sleepless nights of caring for a newborn to the constant juggling act of balancing work and family life, sometimes life can become a little bit, well, too much.
When you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed out with your children it is easy to say things you regret in the heat of the moment meaning you get the double whammy of feeling guilty and remorseful for losing your cool.
As our children spend so much time in our company it is easy for them to pick up on our emotions and from a very young age to attune to our stress system. This means that if our face is stressed, we are frowning or looking annoyed, we are communicating our distress and they pick this up.
The same applies to our vocal tone: if the voice is raised and fast, they quickly understand they might be in danger, and much as you might want to communicate this to control them, it does not always gain the desired result. It can sometimes have the opposite effect as well with some children thriving on negative attention, particularly if they are used to angry or shouty voices.
Learning to manage your stress system when communicating with your kids will result in a much calmer home life.
How does it work?
Let’s imagine it is dinner time, the homework has not been done, there are three kids to feed and you have already had a long hard day. There is lots of stress in the mix. If you think back to how it was for you as a child, is this how you grew up? Stressed and irritable mealtimes, shouty parents. Are you unconsciously repeating a pattern?
Changing habits and long-held patterns takes time, but it can be done, and learning to manage your facial expressions and vocal tone will create safety all around you.
Breathwork can be hugely helpful when trying to keep calm around children. It can be done anywhere (in the bathroom, the kitchen table, the car) and I encourage you to start by practicing for a few days to see how you get on. If it works for you and you like it perhaps try to get the kids involved by making it into a fun family ritual.
“Breathwork can be hugely helpful when trying to keep calm around children. It can be done anywhere.”
Get prepared
Before we get started it is important to release the stress system in your body to make it easier to prepare for the breathwork. We do this through stretching and movement.
First, find a quiet place to sit. A dining chair is ideal as it prevents slumping. Have your knees wide, your back straight and put your hands on your knees.
Take a deep inhale into your belly.
As you exhale roll your shoulders forward and go into a deep slouch, shoulder blades open, chin down.
As you take the next deep belly breath roll your shoulders back, push your chest forward and raise your chin. Hold the breath and stick your tongue out as far as you can for 3 seconds.
Exhale and relax, eyes closed, sitting still and noticing a flush of a hormone called dopamine has been released into your body.
You have told your stress system you are safe. How are you feeling? You may notice you are now gentle breathing and your mind is quiet.
On to the breathing exercise
Now you are ready to start your breathwork. If you’d like to use a timer, put your phone on silent and then set your alarm clock for three minutes. Make sure the end alert is a gentle bell rather than a noisy dong.
As before, sit tall and straight on your chair. Hands on your knees, chest open, knees wide apart. Close your eyes and try to have a slight smile with no frowning.
Next breath deep into your belly inhale for five seconds through your nose. Hold at the top for one second then silently exhale through tight lips for five seconds. Keep this practice going for three minutes.
Continue to breathe five seconds into the belly via the nose, five seconds out through tight lips.
When the timer goes off keep your eyes closed and notice. How are you feeling? Have you calmed yourself down? What feels different? Remember YOU have chosen to change how you feel, you have reset and by doing this practice you will find it much easier to be calm, to smile, to keep a gentle vocal tone and a calm face with your children.
Carolyn Cowan is a London-based psychotherapist and breathwork teacher. Her new book Breathing for Pregnancy: How to find calm through the four trimesters is published by Vermillion and is out now priced £16.99. Find out more about Carolyn and her work at www.carolyncowan.com.
This article first appeared in Ni4Kids January ’24 issue
