Hands up – who feels overwhelmed by the festive period? The lights, the lists, the late nights. The pressure to make everything magical.
For many parents, Christmas is a time of high hopes and high stress. We dream of cosy family moments, joyful traditions, and pictureperfect memories. But the reality? It often looks more like tears over turkey, meltdowns in the car, and arguments about who’s sitting where at dinner.
And it’s not just us adults feeling the strain. For children, especially those with a PDA profile, the festive season can be a sensory and emotional minefield.
The usual routines disappear, expectations ramp up, and the world becomes louder, brighter, and more demanding. Even the fun stuff, like opening presents or visiting Santa, can feel overwhelming when your nervous system is already on high alert.
If you’ve ever found yourself wondering why your child seems to unravel just when things are meant to be joyful, you’re not alone. And you’re not doing anything wrong.
What is PDA?
PDA stands for Pathological Demand Avoidance, but many families and professionals prefer to think of it as a Pervasive Drive for Autonomy. It’s a profile of autism where a child feels extremely anxious or overwhelmed by everyday demands, even ones that seem small or enjoyable. For many, anxiety-driven responses to perceived demands can manifest as avoidance, negotiation, or refusal.
PDA isn’t about being “naughty” or “defiant.” For children with a PDA profile, demands can feel like a loss of control, and their nervous system reacts as if they’re in danger. That’s why they might avoid, resist, distract, joke, or even shut down when asked to do something. They’re not trying to be difficult, they’re trying to feel safe.
A young client of mine recently described how she feels completely ‘stuck’ the moment someone asks her to do something, even if it’s something she actually wants to do. She spoke about the deep frustration and shame she feels when this leads to arguments, or when others misunderstand her behaviour as defiance, rather than recognising the anxiety and overwhelm behind it.
Indeed, PDA is particularly good at masquerading as bold or controlling behaviour, which can be confusing and frustrating for those around the child. But underneath that surface is a child who’s feeling unsafe and out of control- someone who desperately wants connection, but doesn’t know how to ask for it. When we respond with punishment or withdrawal, we risk deepening their sense of disconnection at a time when they need us most.
For many children, Christmas can feel threatening because it is full of implicit and explicit demands: attending a packed schedule of social events, participating in Christmas traditions and rituals which seem to increase year on year, exposure to sensory overload (lights, music, smells, crowds) and the pressure to adhere to constant social expectations to be “happy” and to show appreciation.
Christmas is also a time when the usual ways children manage and cope can feel out of reach, like sticking to familiar routines, having quiet time alone, or being able to lean on calm, regulated parents who aren’t running on empty themselves.
Rethinking Christmas: making it work for your family
If the usual way of “doing Christmas” feels like too much for your child or for you, it’s okay to press pause and reimagine things. Many families find it helpful to deconstruct traditional expectations and rebuild the festive season in a way that feels calmer, safer, and more enjoyable for everyone. That might mean skipping the big dinner and enjoying a grazing menu instead, saying no to certain events and prioritising relaxed family time, or creating new rituals that feel more manageable.
For children with a PDA profile, autonomy is key. Giving them choices, like whether to open presents now or later, whether to join in or take a break, can reduce anxiety and help them feel more in control. The goal isn’t to avoid Christmas, but to shape it in a way that works for your child’s nervous system.
Help your child prepare for changes using visual schedules or storyboards. Where possible, offer low-pressure alternatives, like online shopping instead of busy shops. For social events, create “escape plans” so your child knows they can take a break.
Use humour and playful negotiation to ease anxiety around demands, transitions or unfamiliar environments. Even pretending to be Santa’s elves on a secret mission to the car can turn a stressful moment into a game, helping your child feel more in control and less overwhelmed.
Above all, remember that it’s absolutely okay to do things differently. A quiet Christmas, an adaptable plan, or even no plan at all can be just as meaningful, sometimes even more so, than the traditional version. When it comes to PDA, the best kind of Christmas is one that feels safe, flexible, and pressure-free. There’s no one ‘right’ way to celebrate, only the way that works for your child.
Dr Róisín McKenna a clinical psychologist, specialising in neurodiversity affirmative autism assessments for both children and adults. In her private practise, Dr McKenna also provides clinical psychology therapy services. For more details on her practice, visit: www.mourneneurodiversity.com Facebook:/mourneneurodiversitypractice Instagram:@mourneneurodiversitypractice
